Los Angeles is a Toilet

Los Angeles California, home of Hollywood the movie capital of the world, owner of the 3rd largest economy on the planet, the host of world class shopping centers, awe inspiring beaches, sweeping canyons, restaurants to suit any taste and budget, an environmental consciousness to envy, and a climate to rival Monte Carlo, is an open air, outdoor toilet. For all of Los Angeles’ urban and natural attractions, existing in the same place, often to the benefit and sometimes to the detriment of each, the city is woefully bereft of accessible public toilets. Indeed, it so lacking in meeting the basic need for safe, clean, and accessible bathrooms that it would be more fitting to say that it is actively hostile to the need to urinate. This grim reality of Los Angeles is an aspect that takes most visitors by unpleasant surprise, as it did me my first time there years ago. I think back to my visit last July, when I saw a sign posted on the door of a restaurant, (I wish I had thought to take a photo of it), that read, to the best of my memory, “No public restroom don’t even think about it.” I was taken aback by this sign, the mocking affect of it. It struck me as especially egregious that an establishment would not only elect not to alleviate the problem, but would instead taunt unfortunates with full bladders and nowhere to void them. Apparently, LA’s chronic lack of restrooms has made some Los Angelinos darkly humorous; I was not amused. The lack of easily available restrooms makes walking LA a logistical challenge that you must strategize for, or risk being stuck with a loaded bladder, or more, and have nowhere for release.

I remember once while visiting LA in 2014, that I was making my way back to my car, finishing up a run in Venice Beach. I was running along Venice Blvd. when the urge to take a leak began to well up. You know that urge; that feeling of weight in your neither region at first slight, then progressively urgent. I began to seek places to unload. Even then before Covid restrictions, restaurants in LA were mostly off limits to non-customers. I had regrettably left Venice Beach several miles behind where there were at least some public restrooms. All I saw along Venice Blvd. was street after street with narrow alleys off of them that offered little to no privacy. Even the most forlorn looking alley faced the windows or doors of apartments, houses, or shops and restaurants. Twice when I thought had found a candidate alley there was a homeless person there, which is a subject I will return to presently. With the dull ache in my bladder growing I finally found an alley where although I heard voices, there was no one present. I took a chance, found a dumpster along a wall, and unloaded, half expecting someone to walk out of a door off the alley and catch me in the act. No one did, so with my load lightened I completed the journey back to my car, relieved in more ways than one.

It bears noting that while Houston, where I live, can also be challenging for restroom access it is nonetheless several times less problematic than Los Angeles. The way that Houston is laid out gives you more options. In Houston, there are more isolated alleyways where you can unload in in often grimy but private peace. Restaurants and shops are also significantly more accommodating for restrooms than is Los Angeles. Those who need to go can usually find one without undue imposition. Still, one’s ability to safely go to the toilet should not be subject to eccentricities of the city you are in. Kristof is correct in his assertion that it’s unbecoming in the extreme for citizens to have to manage the function of their bladders to navigate around a city.

I love Los Angeles despite it being one of the worst cities to have to go to the restroom. I still haven’t ruled out the possibility of moving there one day. I love LA because of it’s sense of creative energy, the buzz of things happening first there, the still relative stability of it’s weather though threatened by climate change, the thrilling duality of its urban and natural attractions existing sometimes uneasily together, for its people, its cuisine and for its promise of anodyne yet remarkable experiences. But I should to be able to reliably take a piss there when I need it. As previously noted, this is a problem for most cities, action from the federal government is desperately needed for Los Angeles and everywhere. Until or if this happens Los Angeles will continue to be a powerful draw on my psyche. I just wish that when I’m there that there would be less of a draw on my bladder.

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