Another Love Story Gone Awry

Some dark patterns and cycles of negative reactivity have taken hold of our relationship, like toxic black mold that blooms unseen in the walls of your house — and that will likely get worse over time. There is such a thing as “too late to be fixed” and we are very close to it. When trust, empathy and commitment is damaged past a certain point, nothing can help a couple put the pieces back together.

I’ve been noticing that we have lingering resentment between us. We talk about things rarely but when we do, we both say “sorry” but deep down we know the issue isn’t resolved. So later, it is hard to feel like the loving person that we’d like to be towards each other as we are filled with resentment and mistrust.

We cannot communicate productively and every time voices get raised and it’s a street fight, never a productive conversation. We get mean to each other and hurt each other. Disagreements lead to one of us freaking out, shutting down or falling apart.

Our trust in the emotional safety of our relationship is eroding. We expect negative reactions from each other. Speaking for myself, I anticipate that my partner will either get mad at me, be mean to me or emotionally unresponsive. I feel like I am walking on egg shells and feel anxious when I am around him.

We are not talking with each other. Other people know how I feel about my relationship more than my partner does. It is also because of all the reasons above. Maybe this is the time when we see a counselor to learn how to address problems directly and productively.

We have the famous toxic behaviors in our relationship — Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Avoidance. We are telling each other that they are wrong for feeling the way they do, rolling our eyes and leaving the room every time one of us talks.

Most importantly, I think we are both losing hope that things can change. We have both brought up the “break-up” option a few times and relationships finally end when people lose hope in them. They have tried to talk, tried to change and tried to get their partner to understand them. It has not worked. I, for one am losing hope that my partner can love me in a way that I need to be loved. He probably feels the same as well.

The goodwill between us is slowly eroding and before it has eroded too far, I hope we can talk to a counselor to work on this relationship. If we want to try, there is still hope. I would like to try. But if he doesn’t, then I would like us to part ways so we can both pursue our happiness by going our separate ways.

This hasn’t been easy, the last year with one loss accompanied by another but there comes a time in everyone’s life when they know another loss won’t kill them but make them better. This has been one such year.

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